Do you ever feel like you are on the brink of change? You can sense a transition coming but don’t have all of the answers yet about how or when it will happen, or what it will look like.
Maybe you feel stuck in between two versions of yourself. You no longer align with who you once were, but have not fully grown into who you are meant to become.
Or maybe you don’t know what’s next, but you do know what you are currently doing is not cutting it anymore.
“I don’t think we talk enough about the in betweens. The part when you know you want to change something but don't yet know how, don't feel strong enough and don't yet know what your first step is” –Natalie Elizabeth Ellis
I have felt this way during different stages of my life, especially when navigating a soon-to-be transition. I will feel a general sense that changes are coming, but initially I can’t identify what they are. This is when it’s easy to get into my head, feeling anxious and pressured to figure everything out right away.
Taking the leap into the unknown is hard and scary. It’s like being a caterpillar building a cocoon without knowing how long it will take or what it will feel like to become a butterfly, but doing it anyways.
Image created on Canva by Elizabeth Kuntz.
Sometimes changes occur at their own pace when the timing is right, at a rate that can be manipulated but not fully controlled. You are able to visualize what you want to happen before it physically manifests and comes to fruition. Examples of this can be within your wellness journey, career, a relationship, or a goal you are working towards. It is normal to feel frustrated when you don’t see the outcomes happen right away. I don’t think I’ve ever had a client not question the pace of their progress. You wanted outcomes yesterday, and feel like just because a transformation is not currently tangible it means nothing is happening, so why keep trying? It is easy to overlook how much change is occurring beneath the surface. An example of this could be starting to notice and question patterns, but not know how to show up differently (yet). This is an exciting place to be on your journey!
It's like trying to wear a pair of shoes that don't fit anymore. They used to be comfy and cute, but now they hurt your feet and you haven't found a new pair to wear yet.
Being in this space can fuel a lot of emotions like frustration, exhaustion, guilt and even shame. During the time in-between transition you might feel like you take two steps forward, and then one step backwards. It may not seem this way in the moment, but these uncomfortable feelings can actually empower you if you let them. The sense of discomfort helps you understand what no longer works for you. Whether it's abysmal habits or coping skills that feel self destructive, a routine that has become automatic and boring, or a reaction that makes the situation worse, you’ve decided you don’t want to be this way anymore.
Having this level of awareness is the most important part of change because it catapults you forwards even if it’s not a straight shot.
When what you are doing is no longer aligning with the values of who you are today, you are in the process of learning what works based on understanding what no longer works. You are different from who you were years ago, months ago, and even yesterday. As you figure out who you want to become, you have the opportunity to practice leaning into your intuition– this inner knowing. You start trusting yourself and the answers you find within. It’s okay to acknowledge that this process feels hard, but don’t allow the adversity to keep you stuck. Just because you haven’t figured it out yet does not mean that you won’t ever find the answers you are looking for.
When we reframe our perspective, we can view this aspect of personal evolution as exciting. You are beginning to really know and understand yourself as you are today. You can also see situations, patterns and the behaviors of others with more depth and nuance. Parts of you that have gone unnoticed for a long time start to come to the surface. You gain clarity and wisdom.
This process can feel really disgustingly uncomfortable and even scary at times. It’s a rebirth. Everything becomes unfamiliar and new. You are teetering in the space unknown, which forces you to be more vulnerable. You aren’t supposed to have all of the answers right away. The brain likes patterns and routines, even if they aren’t helpful anymore, they are familiar. These parts of yourself that you have known all along, and for many they are what you were taught. Your brain is trying to protect you moment to moment by repeating what it knows even if it is starting to become uncomfortable, but long-term staying the same will actually cause you to be further from who you truly are and who you are meant to become.
When you feel stuck in the in-between it is crucial to prioritize new patterns, habits and routines that align with how you want to feel. Overtime, what was once new and unfamiliar will start to feel safe and comfortable. This process forces you to gain clarity on your truth and actually trust yourself, regardless of what others are doing or thinking. It can feel isolating, confusing and like time is never-ending. I promise you it doesn’t last forever. It is worth it when you reach the other side.
Like a farmer planting seeds in the spring, there won’t be much visible growth for a while. Regardless, the farmer trusts the process and does what he can by nurturing the soil. Weeks and months will go by and still little growth is seen, but what’s happening beneath the surface? These seeds are sprouting roots that grow in the soil, creating a web-like foundation for the plants to absorb enough nutrients and water. Without this foundation, the shoots won’t have the energy to sprout upwards above the surface towards the sun to grow. Let yourself take all the time you need to build your foundation.
Let’s look at a personal example. I committed to my meditation practice four years ago. I remember I did not notice benefits at first and could not understand what meditation was chalked up to be. If anything, I actually felt worse when I was trying to meditate because my mind would not stop and my nervous system could not settle. I put more pressure on myself because I felt like I was meditating incorrectly. I kept practicing regardless of feeling a bit lost with what I was doing.
Little did I know, this was part of the process.
After months of practice, holding this space for myself to sit down and be present with whatever came up started to feel more comfortable and natural. In day to day life I was noticeably calmer and less reactive. One day I was tested when I had an argument with my mom. The moment was highly stressful, but a profound shift happened. I still had uncomfortable feelings come up, but I was able to see things from a different perspective. I held space for the stressful moment without being attached to it. I could acknowledge what was happening without letting it deeply influence my nervous system and react to the argument in a way that would make me feel even worse afterwards. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t become sad, angry or frustrated, but my relationship to this discomfort changed.
So if you are navigating change, give yourself a bit of grace through all of the ebbs and flows. It’s important to have goals and to be able to envision where you want to go, but it's also okay if you don’t have all of the answers right now. It is helpful to pause and reflect on what is working, what has changed and what feels aligned. Maybe knowing that this moment is temporary can be enough to settle your mind from worrying right now. Feeling the desire to improve and better yourself, or be more like your authentic self is an inner-compass you can follow. When you take things at your own pace you will feel less resistance to changes happening that are sometimes inevitable. Instead of comparing yourself to others, or where you think you “should” be, try to compare yourself to where you were a year ago. Let the time it takes to be in the transition help you heal.
Strategies to help you process transformation:
Check in with yourself more frequently throughout the day. Evaluate how you feel and ask yourself what you need at this moment.
Acknowledge how far you have come and count each win as a step in the right direction and each loss as a beneficial redirection.
Reflect on a time when you felt similarly in the past. How did you overcome it then? What did you learn about yourself in that process?
Practice gratitude towards what is working well.
Simplify. Try to break down your action steps and start with taking one small step forward. Let yourself rest afterwards.
Spend less time on social media.
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